Schakolad
by Princess Rahnee Honey Lizard
Summary: Remy has enough trouble dealing with the new chef in La Ratatouille's kitchen when Skinner seeks help from two American villains. It's not just Skinner who wants revenge on a rat! Rated T for safety
1. Prologue

"International hero Kimberly Possible is coming to Paris," said a television reporter. A young woman with red-orange hair and big, green eyes appeared on the screen wearing a green tank top and baggy pants. "Mademoiselle Possible has done so much to help people all over the world," the reporter continued. "and now, she is getting some time for herself." The television screen showed a picture of Kim, Ron, Rufus, Monique, and Wade at the Middleton High graduation.

"Mademoiselle Possible and her crime fighting companion, Monsieur Ronald Stoppable, graduated from high school this past spring, and they have decided to stay here in Paris for an unknown amount of time..."

"One criminal that has become Mademoiselle Possible's...arch nemesis, of sorts...is the notorious Dr. Drakken, aka Drew Lipsky, although it is his companion, a woman called 'Shego', who does the fighting..."

Pictures of the two appeared on the screen. Drakken, clad in dark blue, had light blue skin and just below shoulder -length black hair pulled back in a ponytail. He had a scar underneath his left eye. Shego's black hair was much longer than Drakken's, but, unlike his, her hair was silky with green highlights. Shego was as pale as a ghost with big, green eyes and a black and green bodysuit.

"But Mademoiselle Possible does not work alone. Besides Monsieur Stoppable, there is a technological boy genius named Wade Load...and a hairless rodent belonging to... Monsieur Stoppable?"

"He's a naked mole rat," Wade explained from his room. Under his name was a title: AGORAPHOBIC TECH WHIZ. "His name is Rufus. He gets into places Kim and Ron can't go," Wade continued. "He's very smart. There were lots of missions we wouldn't have been able to do without him."

"Well, that's all we have time for. Be on the lookout for these..._three_...heroes. Au revoir!" The television clicked off.


	2. Intruders

A small, dark brown shape ran down the alley and into the kitchen door. A larger white shape followed it inside. A woman could be heard screaming, "Chat!". A man's cries of "Cat!" soon intermingled with the woman's cries. Squeaks and hisses could be heard as well. Inside the kitchen, the cat flung away a blue-gray rat. The rat turned and ran back at the cat, which had turned away from whatever it had under the counter.

The rat and the cat lunged for each other, teeth and claws at the ready. Then everything froze.

((This...this is obviously not right. It'll probably be best if I start at the beginning.))

The blue-gray rat ladled some sauce over the ratatouille and placed a sprig of something on top. A tall, thin man with red hair and freckles took the plates and gave the rat a hi-five of sorts. As the man left the kitchen, the rat ran up a specially-made ladder and staircase to look out the window into the dining room.

((This...is me. Remy.))

The redhead waiter brought the ratatouille to a thin, German man with vaguely pointed ears. Looking slightly hunched over, he happily dug into the ratatouille. The waiter asked the German a question, and he looked over to Remy peeking through the small, round window.

((This creepy-looking guy is Anton Ego. He's actually a lot friendlier than he looks. The waiter? That's my friend, Alfredo Linguini. He's actually the son of the late, great Auguste Gusteau, who happens to be my greatest inspiration.))

In the kitchen, Remy started working with a woman with short, silky, dark brown hair and blue eyes.

(( This is Colette. She's my friend, too. She's also Linguini's girlfriend. That was my doing, but Linguini's not saying anything.))

The camera panned up revealing an alcove filled with rats and tiny tables. It zoomed on a silver-gray rat with ragged whiskers and a pink nose almost perpendicular to his muzzle. He seemed to be orating with great sweeps of his arms. A fat brown rat was nearby, happily gobbling up some food.

((This is my dad and my brother, Emile. Dad is the leader of our colony, and Emile...Emile likes to eat. Well, it's not like he completely understands me either.))

A bell jingled as a door opened. A man came through the door and turned the "closed" sign to "open". He walked past a marmalade tabby sleeping on a cat condo. She yawned and stretched. She reached down and waved her paw in the condo's entrance, meowing. Out came three identical kittens and a chocolate-brown rat, who stretched and looked around.

The mother tabby ran to the back room, where the shopkeeper had gone, and lured him back into the store area. He saw the rat sitting with the kittens, and the mother tabby ran over and nudged her toward the shopkeeper. He held his hand, palm up, and she climbed on. "Oh, you poor girl," he said, seeing that her tiny collar was pink. "You had a bad night, didn't you?" he continued, scratching under her chin and stroking her belly.

((Not all the cat milk, chin scritches, and belly rubs in the world could make what happened that night any better, although I didn't know what happened until later.))

The shopkeeper started to carry the rat to a cage. The name on her collar could now be seen: Antoinette. Ann noticed a yellow rat in one of the cages waving at her as the shopkeeper approached the shelves. She wore a pink collar that said "Jewelie". Ann pointed toward the back room and made a show of chomping something invisible.

Jewelie nodded sadly. Ann was practically growling, fire in her green eyes, when she realized she was not going to be in Jewelie's cage. Ann quickly blew her a kiss, and got one back before the pet store owner placed her in a cage.

((Antoinette is what is called a "fancy rat". Fancy rats live in cages in some humans' houses, not that there's many humans like that in France.))

Colette was driving down the street on her motorcycle when traffic came to a stop. She looked to her right and saw the pet store.

((I don't why Colette did what she did, but when I found out, I did _not _like it.))

Ann stood on the counter, looking between Colette and the shopkeeper. He chuckled as he clipped Ann's collar. She looked at the piece of plastic that had been part of her for most of her life as the shopkeeper continued.

"She's a very sociable animal. Found her sleeping with the _kittens_ this morning!"

He gestured to the marmalade tabby, who placed a paw over the edge of the condo.

((This is the way I saw it. Colette found some fancy rat, took her home, and taught her how to cook.))

Ann gingerly stepped between the tiny bowls of ingredients on the counter. She stopped next to a bowl of melted chocolate and glanced at Colette, who nodded. Ann dipped her paw in the chocolate and tasted it. Suddenly she was falling between fluffy, white clouds in a baby blue sky. She landed but was immediately bounced back into the sky. As she bounced, she twisted around to see a heart-shaped trampoline. She could hear the music from _My Favorite Things_ playing.

Ann found herself on her back. She had cleaned her paw without realizing it. She found the bowl again, and as she began eating the rest of the chocolate, Colette laughed.

((Then..._then_ she introduces her to the kitchen, without even telling me. I mean, a little warning would have been nice, seeing as I'm the head chef.))

Colette set Ann down on the counter in front of Alfredo. She had a wide pink ribbon around her middle. "Um, hello, Antoinette," he said. Her response was, "Dude, what is up with your _chin_?".

(( I felt...usurped. I felt like they were pushing me away. I decided that I wasn't going to speak a word to her.))

What followed was a montage of sorts with scenes of Remy cooking and Ann asking, "Little Chef?". Remy stayed silent, but his anger was definitely starting to boil. Finally, Ann, fed up, asked, "What? Are you mute?".

((That little _chef de partie_ even brought my _brother_ into it!))

Emile and Ann lifted a round piece of cake and placed it on another piece of iced cake. As they spread icing on the second layer, Emile licked his paws. Ann pointed with her spatula, looking stern, and Emile left to wash his paws. When they stood back to admire the frosted cake, Remy came over. "How can a three-layer cake be haute cuisine?" he scoffed.

Ann squeaked and jumped up and down on the counter. "What is...oh!" Colette said, seeing the cake. "I'll get it." She went to the freezer and pulled out Ann's gelato as Ann collected everything she needed, giving Emile a sound thump with the clean end of her spatula every time he tried he eat something. She scooped some chocolate gelato onto the plate, and then, standing on Emile's shoulders, she cut a very thin slice of cake. They set the cake against the scoop of gelato at an angle, and then Ann dripped chocolate syrup in a wide zig-zag pattern from the cake and gelato to the edge of the plate.

((I even thought I was going to be an_ uncle_ at one point.))

"Pat! Pat!" the dog cried. He had a pawprint pattern in the fur right over his tail. He couldn't open the door, but it was obvious he had to go badly. A hippo came along the hallway carrying a toolbox and speaking French. He said something to the effect of, "Hold on, Stanley. I'll get it." Pat got the door open. Stanley ran in, muttering in French, flipped on the light, revealing a broom closet, and shut the door.

"But Stanley! The bathroom's over there!" Pat pointed out as his friend relieved himself.

The television was on, but, instead of watching Pat and Stanley's antics, Emile brought up what Remy had said about Ann. "He said that, huh?" Ann said, studying the macaroni noodle on her cocktail fork. "Well," she continued, getting a blank look on her face. "After eating hard, tasteless, disgusting _pellets_ for your entire _life_, and then _switching_ to _rich_, _delicious_, _calorie-laden_ _human food_, OF COURSE A GIRL'S GONNA _FILL OUT_!!" Ann waved her cocktail fork threateningly until she remembered it was Emile before her.

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay. I'll just tell Remy about the pellets again."

Ann ate the noodle on her cocktail fork, and Emile used his fork to stuff several noodles into his mouth at once. Ann watched him, thinking. His whiskers were all covered with cheese. Ann leaned up and placed her nose against his. Emile felt warm and fuzzy inside, and he closed his eyes. After a moment, Ann pulled away. Emile had half a noodle between his lips, and he pushed the noodle into his mouth and resumed chewing. He looked over at Ann who was digging into her macaroni and cheese...without her fork.

"What was _that_ all about?" Emile asked, tapping his nose. "Hmm?" Ann asked through a mouthful of macaroni. She swallowed the mouthful then mumbled, "Nothing." Emile knew it was not "nothing", but he was distracted by Pat yelling on the T.V. Pat was screaming, "Stanley!", and using a racket to beat what looked like Stanley wearing a red and blue costume with a webbing pattern.

((I was _determined _not to like Antoinette, but...she was smarter than I gave her credit for.))

There was a knock at one of the doors to the kitchen. Colette opened it slightly, spoke to the caller, and then slammed the double doors shut. "_Health inspector_," she whispered fiercely. Surprise inspections are not uncommon. Remy grabbed Ann by the wrist and began to pull her toward the kettle elevator.

"Something's not right...," she said, but Remy pushed her roughly toward the kettle. "_Get in_," he commanded. Ann climbed in. Remy climbed in, too, pulling the twine to raise the kettle. They climbed out at the rat's dining area. "Surprise inspection!" Remy announced. The rats laid down on the floor. Some even hid under tables.

Remy peeked through the leaves. The inspector was short. As he roamed the kitchen, he didn't seem to be inspecting as much as..._searching_. Colette went to the dining room entrance. Alfredo saw her worried look and immediately came into the kitchen. Ann came up beside Remy and peeked through the leaves.

She caught a scent that made her think of bats. When she was at the pet store, sometimes women wearing makeup would come in. They bought kittens, puppies, bunnies, the occasional gerbil or hamster, but _never _a rat. When they walked past the rat cages, all they would talk about was how _disgusting _and _dirty_ rats were. _Dirty? Lady, my _butt_ is cleaner than your face_!

"I smell makeup," she whispered, but Remy just placed his paw between her ears and gently pushed her head down until she could not see the kitchen. He removed his paw, but it might have been better if he hadn't. Ann spun around and sunk her teeth into Remy's left shoulder. He cried out in pain, and Ann ran off to find a way into the kitchen.

The inspector had already gone into the cooler when Ann landed on a shelf with a thump. She wobbled to her feet, then shook it off. She jumped down to the counter, but Remy had caught up with her. He grabbed one end of her ribbon in an effort to stop her. Ann fought to keep moving, and her ribbon became untied.

At this point, Alfredo and Colette had noticed and started across the kitchen to catch them. Ann leapt to the floor, Remy hot on her tail. They dodged Alfredo and Colette and ran into the cooler. Ann jumped onto a shelf and stopped behind a crate. Remy saw his chance and grabbed her around the middle. He was going to try to keep her quiet until the inspector had left, but Ann had other ideas.

She fell limp in his arms, causing Remy to lose his balance and fall forward. Ann made the noise anybody feeling rather squashed makes. The man heard her squeak and acted quick. He pulled the crate away triumphantly.

"A-hah!...ah!"

Ann and Remy lay in a heap. The man dropped the crate in disgust. Ann bucked off the petrified Remy and ran for the inspector. She ducked into his sleeve, racing for his shoulder. The man began intermittently laughing, because rat feet are ticklish, and screaming, because of what he thought he saw.

Ann squeezed out of the collar, just behind the man's left ear. She'd found the makeup. Ann stuck her paw into the foundation and found something that wasn't quite right. She wrapped her fingers around the edge and pulled. It was like a second layer of skin. As she peeled the weird skin back, a new ear appeared. It was strangely rodent-like.

This happened very fast. When the man realized she was pulling off his mask, he tried to stop her. Ann climbed under his hat. _What the? I know humans have very little fur, but this is ridiculous! _It gave her an idea. She wrapped her toes around the hair toward the back, and, using her arms for balance, bit down on the hair toward the front.

"Ah!...Ah!...Ah!" the man cried as he bounded out of the cooler. As he bounced, he swung his arms about his head and managed to dislodge his hat. Alfredo and Colette could only stare at the man with his partially removed mask flapping about his ear and Ann trying to control him. Ann grabbed a lock of hair with her left paw. The man's left hand grabbed his right wrist.

"Someone get thees seeng off of me!" he cried, having long abandoned his disguise. Colette reached out, gripped the edge of the mask, and gave a good tug. It was Skinner, the sous chef of the late Gusteau. He screamed in pain. The glue had left big, red welts on his face.

"Not zat! I meant za rat!"

"We could have you _arrested_...for trespassing?" Alfredo said, glancing at Colette. She nodded.

"_Oui! _What are you doing here, _Skinner_?"

"Don't worry. I'm not here to rat out you...eh, and your _rats_."

"Huh," Ann scoffed, "I'd show you what I think of that, but my paws are full..." Remy just looked confusedly at her.

"Why is zere two, anyway? I saw zem _mating _in zere..."

Ann released Skinner with angry squeaks and began hopping on his head. "Little Chef, is this true?" Alfredo asked. Remy shook his head so hard his ears flopped. "He was trying to stop Antoinette from revealing herself to the '_health inspector_', right?" Colette said, her arms crossed over her chest. Ann and Remy nodded.

Colette gently picked Ann up from Skinner's head. She scratched the rat behind the ears and under the chin.

"Such a good girl..."

Skinner landed on the cobblestone. He got to his knees and whispered into his watch.

"Mission accomplished."

He began to laugh, but it was cut short by his hat hitting him on the base of his neck. Ann finished tying her ribbon around her middle again. Remy was complaining about her "stunt" while Ann tried to ignore him by putting her fur in order. "That was stupid!" he cried. "Just the sort of thing you'd expect from a _fancy rat_..."

Ann snapped again. She sunk her teeth into the tender flesh of Remy's right ear. Suddenly they were both hanging upside down above the counter. "This is it," Colette told them, angry. "Neither of you can cook until you can get along." She dropped them into the kettle and pulled the string. Ann and Remy climbed out at the little dining room.

Remy headed to the table where Django and Emile sat, and Ann followed. "Remy, what happened?" Django asked. Remy started to say something, but Ann spoke up first.

"The health inspector was actually Skinner in disguise! I smelled makeup, and it turned out he'd used it to cover the edges of his mask! I managed to do the puppet thing with him; you won't believe how little fur he's got on his head! And that's not even to say what happened in the cooler when Remy was tryin' to stop me!"

To say that Ann was excited was an understatement. She was practically bouncing though her feet never left the floor, and her tail was whipping around. Django chuckled. "Okay, I'll bite. What happened?" he asked. Remy closed his eyes and shook his head at the irony of his father's statement.

"Look, i-it's not even funny. It didn't occur to me that it wasn't a health inspector. I thought I was going to have to _drag _her away. It was an accident. She just suddenly goes limp in my arms--"

"Skinner thought we were all ba-boom-ba-boom! Hee!"

She fell to the floor, giggling. Django and Emile were laughing, too. "All this time...you thought...she was...mine," Emile howled, laughing in all the pauses. "And...then you do this!" Tears were running down into his whiskers, he was laughing so hard. "But...it was an...accident..." Remy said, now rather feebly.

Django helped Ann to her feet. "Either way, you'll be my daughter-in-law. I just know it!" he said, happily. Ann stood there with her mouth hanging open, but Remy had a louder reaction. "She's bit me _twice _today," he cried. "Let me show you!" His shoulder was sore, and there was bruising around the teethmarks on his ear.

"She's never bit _me_," Emile said. "I mean, she's waved one of those 'chicken tail' forks in my face, but that's because she forgot it was me and not you. Man, she must _really _not like you." "'Chicken tail'?" Django asked, confused. "He means '_cock_tail'," Ann answered.

"Only a fancy rat would be _stupid _enough to get _us_ mixed up...and because of her, I can't even cook!"

"That is it! I'm tired of hangin' around with a guy who doesn't respect me, who treats me like I'm some kinda' _airhead_! Now I get what Colette said!"

Ann stormed off toward the kitchen. "Wow," Emile said, "now I get why she hates you. You keep calling her the 'F' word." Ann pushed open the back door and ran out into the alley. She found a puddle on the cobblestones and looked at her reflection. A pretty, chocolate brown rat with green eyes wearing a pink ribbon. Ann closed her eyes and let her gaze wander inward.

_Fancy rat! Fancy rat! Look at all the fancy rats_!, someone taunted. _Oh, look at the pretty little fancy rat. C'mere_!, another voice from Ann's past cried. She was in her own private nightmare. She opened her eyes and saw, from her reflection, that she was crying. Tears stood on her whiskers like dewdrops in a spiderweb.

Ann slapped her reflection, making ripples in the puddle. "Stupid stray rat!" she cried, her voice echoing in the empty alley. She started to walk around the puddle. "Stupid...boy!" she continued. Above her, a single drop of rain hung onto the fire escape. It finally fell, landed in her ribbon. "Uh!" Ann shivered, but the water would not come out.

"Stupid rain!"

Ann sat down facing the puddle. She cried. She cried about something she had tried not to think about for days, even weeks. Cooking had been a diversion, and now the memory had come back full force. She cried until she could cry no more, rocking back and forth on the cobblestones.

A warm breeze ruffled Ann's fur and her ribbon. She spun around and found herself face to face with a white cat. He had one blue eye and one green eye. His one ear was ripped. A stray. "Oh, _bonjour_,_ chat_," she said. The cats at the pet shop had always been kind to her, so she did not see the danger she was in.

The cat reached out and snagged a claw in Ann's ribbon. "Oh, it is a pretty ribbon, isn't it," she asked, "Do you want to play with it?" As she untied her ribbon, the cat shoved the end of his floofy tail into her face. She fell over in surprise and looked at the cat reproachfully.

"I do not want to play with a stupid ribbon!"

The cat lunged forward, sinking his teeth into Ann's left side as she turned to run. The angry rat painfully twisted around and sunk her own teeth into the tender, sensitive nose pad. There was a cracking noise, and the cat dropped her into the puddle, yowling in pain. Ann pushed herself up from where she lay on her back. Red swirled through the water beneath her.

"You're a _nasty _kitty."

"No. I'm a _hungry_ kitty."

Ann turned with a squeak and ran back into the kitchen. The cat followed, carefully running around the puddle. They ran past Colette, who ran to the dining room for Alfredo.

"_Chat_!"

"Chat?"

"_Chat_!"

"Oh, _cat_! I'm coming!"

Ann ran under the counter and curled up into the tightest ball she could manage. The bite mark was throbbing. The cat called out to her.

"C'mere, pretty little fancy rat! Here, fancy, fancy, fancy!"

A rat sunk his teeth into the cat's one ear. The cat yowled again and wrapped a paw around the rat and flung it away. He turned away from Ann to get a good look at the rat who had bitten him. It was blue-gray and rather smaller than the one he had cornered. The cat decided to go after the rat he had out in the open.

Remy came to a stop on the polished floor. He got to his feet, panting. He turned to the cat, who was sizing him up. Sure, Remy didn't like Ann...and, yet..._No cat is going to eat _anything_ in my kitchen_. He ran toward the cat, intent on getting rid of it.

The cat pounced, catching Remy's hind legs under his paws. Remy sat up to better defend himself. The cat leaned down to bite him, but he shifted backwards at the last moment. The cat's teeth scratched Remy's neck and right shoulder and came together on air. Then the stray cat was gone, hit by Alfredo's mop.

The cat hit the cooler door with a loud _clang_!,and he slid down with a squeaking noise. Alfredo hit the cat again, directing it toward the door. The cat hissed and ran out. Alfredo and Colette came over to see if their rats were all right. Remy got up from where he had fallen. He walked over to the counter and called out to Ann.

"Antoinette? Are you all right?...You can come out now. You know, Linguini's got one mean mop..."

Ann began to straighten herself out. She let a stray giggle out at Remy's "mean mop" comment. She crawled out from under the counter and saw Remy's wounds. "Oh, you're hurt!" she cried, dragging him over to Alfredo and Colette. "I'm...fine," Remy said, but he did not sound "fine". He lost his balance and Ann caught him under the arms.

He started to get tunnel vision. Over Ann's shoulder, he saw Emile fall from the counter. Remy saw his brother's lips move ("Remy!") and Emile run toward him as the kitchen gradually disappeared. Django dropped down in front of Remy. He reached out, and, as from very far away, Remy felt his father's paws cup his cheeks. He watched his father's face fade away, and, for a while, he did not remember anything.

Don't worry. Remy's going to be okay. I promise.


	3. All Washed Up

_Thuck._

_Thuck._

_Thuck._

Rufus was steadily hitting his head against the window. As soon as they had entered the suite, Ron had fallen asleep on the bed, without even bothering to change or get under the covers. He hadn't even sung a lullaby to Rufus. The naked mole rat was very tired. Rufus was slowly falling asleep even without his lullaby.

The window was opened slightly with the mole rat's every hit, so slightly the sleepy rodent didn't notice. Finally the window came open enough that Rufus tumbled out into the rain. He landed a puddle on the red canopy covering the entrance to the hotel. Rufus waded through the puddle to climb down one of the metal legs.

Rufus started to go into the front door of the hotel, but there was a party going on. The people saw the hairless rodent and began to react fearfully. Bottles, glasses, and assorted dishes started flying his way. Rufus danced and dodged as the barrage followed him outside. The manager's son looked up to see the ruckus, dropped his DS for the first and probably last time, and tried to help Rufus.

"Stop! Stop!"

Rufus was trying to keep his balance on the wet sidewalk. The barrage of dinnerware had pushed him to the edge of the street. He slipped.

"No!"

The rainwater swept Rufus away. The boy tried to catch him, but the little rodent was washed away into a storm drain, leaving the boy with little more than a wet arm.


End file.
